It’s not all about fun. For awhile, I thought it was, which is something you might laugh at because of the law school thing. But fun is just a way to trick your mind into wrapping itself around something so serious it would crack your skull to think about head on. to let yourself loose from the chains you’ve wrapped yourself in from the time you were a kid, when everything scared the shit out of you and rightly so, to let yourself loose so you can find your way out. nothing’s scarier than finding your way out. nothing’s more necessary. It’s like your dragging your hands across a wall, feeling the prickles on your skin when you pass that magic section, that semipermeable membrane you can almost slip through if you hit it just right. But you’re passin through to something, don’t forget. You’re on your way somewhere else, don’t get stuck in that world between worlds. It happens though, we lose ourselves in fun or work, forget we’re doin it for a reason, not just to do it. Either way you lose out…work yourself to death and forget what you’re working for, or try to feel so good you forget that life doesn’t feel that good, forget how to accept the hard shit, forget how to accept yourself and the way you’re always gonna struggle, the way nothing comes easy and if it does it’s gonna go easy too. Don’t forget you’ve always only ever had the smallest piece of truth pie baby. So how do you do it? How to really come to terms with yourself and your sadness and above all, your silliness?
This isn’t something I would say to just anyone but lately I’ve taken to praying some nights when I wake up at 4AM scared of everything that’s in the world and everything that’s not. I’ll be the first to express my disappointment in this turn of events but what can I say. I don’t believe in God, but when talking about God, the man himself is really besides the point. It’s not about proving that some greater being doesn’t exist. It’s about looking at what believing in something or not believing in something does to a person. A mind can only handle so much before it’s gotta let go and let god, as the saying goes. About being open to something bigger than what you understand or can imagine. And the result? What happens when you tell yourself – believing it or not, feeling what you will about it – that you are a piece of a puzzle so vast you can’t even comprehend the whole thing? You might start seeing things outside of yourself, seeing that the world is not formed around you, does not bend to you, does not know you, moves without you and will not mourn you when you are gone. And you will see that you are not outside of it. You are part of its fabric, nothing in you moves without it moving too. Your mind is made of the same thing the world is made of.
I know this of myself – when I let go of thinking I know everything, I start seeing things I would have ignored before, I start understanding things in a whole other way, and that way is more complex than can be captured by all the language and all the books in the world. But it slips from me, beautiful and fleeting. It’s made to slip. We’re made to mourn its briefness, to deny its absence. Better to tell yourself there’s nothing than that there’s something, you had it once, you will have it for seconds of your life again, and then it passes on, it will never do anything but pass on. And you chase it however you can
These are the questions and answers for the day. Do with them as you will.
